7.29.2014

27th day on ängsbacka


27th day on ängsbacka

Running nose, swollen eyes, heavy head.
My body is reacting to all the change that is going on inside me.
This is a mental and spiritual overload.
Thoughts, ideas, boundaries are expanding and it's exploding trough my nose.

*sniff*

I am genuinely grateful that my body holds so much wisdom.
It's so easy for me to get angry at the sickness. But right now I feel happy.
the sickness is only a reflection.
I feel like I'm not a slave to the sickness, but the sickness is here to help me get in touch with peace. 

*sniff*

also…
The Tantra Festival starts tomorrow, all the new volunteers arrived yesterday.
Very exciting.
I'm looking forward to sharing my experiences from this last festival on ängsbacka.
I'm still "baking" raw food for the café.

Also I feel like I might be going to Morocco after Berlin.

*sniffsnifff*

7.25.2014

23rd day on ängsbacka


23rd day on ängsbacka.

Silent day here on ängsbacka.
Means no talking. I love it, but it's not so easy while working. 
I try not to take on others frustration during work, which is a challenge of massive proportions at the moment.
It's all good… it's all god.
Stay centered.
Breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe, breathe.
5 times… 5 is the number of order in chaos.


22nd day on ängsbacka


22nd day on ängsbacka

Day off from work.
Exhausted, angry, frustrated.
Beaten down by myself in several ways.
I complicate love with my mind… A state of being that is SO completely simple.
So...
Went walking alone in the pouring rain, laughing. 


7.21.2014

19th day on ängsbacka


19th day on ängsbacka

Yogafestivalen started this afternoon.
My first day as raw food baker. 
Extremely challenging, feeling frustrated with myself in many ways, but eventually I realize that I am beating myself up with expectations, and I give myself some love.
In the end…. This had been a lovely day.
Simply lovely.

7.20.2014

18th day on ängsbacka


18th day on ängsbacka

woke up with awful tension in my entire body this morning.
Realized that every morning I have been waking up so unfulfilling and fast, and I haven't waken up at all until quite late.
I was so open in my energy yesterday that my body needed to get sick today.
I have been feeling angry. I beat myself up for not working, but taking a day off to be sick. 
I want to get the sickness out of my body - with love, but I feel like I'm trying to hard.
Baking for the café is going to be a bit more fun tomorrow, I hope, and if not, that is okay to. I just have to say this to myself.

I want to just be.
It was great having a sharing circle today. I feel like I needed to force myself to speak, but after I did I felt lighter. Still quite overwhelmed by that beautiful interaction between my friend yesterday.  
I feel like I want more connection. Deeper connection. Not just with him, but with everyone around me. 
A cold bath helps, and cleans some off the energies out of my body, making room for a bit of emptiness which feels great.
I'm going for a walk in the forest now, and... I want to be.
The want to be is maybe the thing that is preventing me from being.

Mind mind mind mind mind….

7.19.2014

17th day on ängsbacka


17th day on ängsbacka.

Processing the Celebrate Life! festival.
All the festival guests left yesterday. 
It was a beautifully quiet day - Same today.
New volunteers arriving this evening. 
It all moves so fast right now.
I try to stay present and collected.
I'm reading a book by Osho called "awareness" which is really good. 
I danced for many hours last night, and I hope I will get some painting done later.
On monday, when the Yoga Festival starts, I start baking for the ängsbacka café, mostly raw food cakes. I think it will be fun, and I'm going to work together with someone, so I won't be alone.

The Celebrate Life! Festival was really hectic for me. I was not stressed or anything, but the amounts of people all processing life changing workshops, can be quite much.
Yesterday, after breakfast, was my day off, and I slept from 10 AM to 17 PM. Woke up, did a bit of reading, took a shower, danced with friends, and went back to sleep.
My whole body just needed sleep, and now I think I will go hug someone.

___________________

Follow up on this post:
Later this evening I had a really special connection with a wonderful guy here.
Touching, talking, laughing, hugging, eye connection.
I feel like it altered my relationship to what I am looking for in a relationship, I've been quite cut off from my sensuality before I came to ängsbacka, and the thought of spiritual connection trough a relationship had seemed so far away. Feeling desired in a truly soulful way is really a lovely.
I find myself getting random compliments from the people around me, which is a revelation.
People openly stating that they think that I am beautiful is SO wonderful.
This happens a lot here. people being open with what they feel like saying.
This makes me more honest to.
I find myself feeling more alive and acceptant of my body.


7.16.2014

Pocket philosophy for the day

http://themindunleashed.org/2014/07/10-painfully-obvious-truths-everyone-forgets-soon.html

14th day at ängsbacka



14th day at ängsbacka

The last few days I have been getting up 5 AM to do the bread baking with a funny dutch guy.
I learn a lot about dough.
The last couple of nights I have not had enough sleep at all, so I have been kind of distant and tired most of my waken time, I'm still quite happy though. 
I went to a workshop held by James Priest called "Conscious relations" yesterday, which was truly moving for me. It was about balancing your masculinity with your femininity, to reach oneness and neutrality. And I really came into recognizing my inner strength.  I feel so extremely happy to be at ängsbacka experiencing these things right now. 
I'm bonding with a lot of wonderful people at the moment. I'm usually not one to bring up age.
But it is truly interesting for me to meet so many openminded older people. I'm especially bonding with people over twice my age at the moment in a really equal and emotionally honest way. 

2 days ago I went to a tantra dance workshop, which was extremely sensual and really activating my boundaries. The workshop consisted of different exercises, including one where all the women would lay on a mattress with closed eyes and all the men would caress and touch and read the women's bodies as to where and how they would like to be touched.
I did feel like I had a hard time getting firm and setting boundaries, so I do think I was pushed a little further than I would have been if I felt in contact with my needs. 
It was quite overwhelming, but also really great. I came into my body, and opened up to sharing sensual energy with other people. really liberating.

Also, Sarah, a wonderful person bought me ice-cream yesterday, as a karmic release for receiving cake from someone the day before.
 I love Karma. 



7.12.2014

10th day at ängsbacka


10th day at ängsbacka.

I will now be baking in the mornings from 5 am - 8 am
I chose this to experience the peace of the early morning hours here, and by doing my shifts in the morning during the festival, I can participate in the workshops during the day. Hurray!
The Celebrate-Life festival guests arrive today, and the workshops will start after dinner. 
The first festival workshop I will participate in will be a zen coaching workshop. 
I feel good today. Genuinely joyful. Relaxed. Connecting with people today seams easier.
Sharing openly and not judging myself in the sharing groups is easier today to.
I feel strong. 

7.10.2014

8th day at Ängsbacka


8th day at Ängsbacka

I had a day off from working, and got in regression mode.
 Watching stephen hawking. 
Somehow I feel quite fine with this. 
I did some sensual meditation with a lovely guy here, and got into my heart a little bit. 
Also... playing guitar and preparing, in case I want to perform on the open stage at the volunteer café tonight. 
I feel quite ambivalent about performing with my singing, 
but I think it would be good practice to do so.


7th day at Ängsbacka


7th day at Ängsbacka
Beautiful day.
Felt a bit distant and very much in my head, but also relaxed and happy.
Spend many hours with new friends by the lake/naked erea.
Swimming amongst the cliffs, painting, cooking food.
Simple pleasures.



7.08.2014

6th day at Ängsbacka



6th day at Ängsbacka

I felt a lot of irritation and anger this morning.
At the morning meeting for the volunteers we where offered two workshops later that evening. The first one was a women's grounding workshop, only women or for those identifying as a woman, and I felt very strongly that this is ruining the opportunity for men and women to balance these feminine and masculine energies out together. 
Grounding your feminine energy is beautiful, and I support the idea, but the feminine energy isn't exclusive. And integrating our androgynous/neutral balance within is more fundamental. The illusion of gender is too delusional. And the fact that men and women split up to strengthen the separate energies that divides the unity of yin and yang confuses me. Why not encourage joint energy work? The masculine needs the feminine and the feminine needs the masculine. There is no separate wills running around. Only the will. Which is becoming one. - In my opinion. 

After a 15 minutes anger release/screaming session, which my wonderful kitchen chef arranged for me. I felt lighter.
I got kissed a lot today, and I find myself having an easier time touching, hugging and kissing the people around me.
This is making me so happy.
I've felt so tense about this for most of my life.
I feel a greater need for touch and body connection at the moment. 
Instead of the woman-only workshop I participated in a "family constellation-workshop"
Which is a method that helps you getting in touch with your family roots. Mainly focusing on your mother and father. In the end of the workshop we went outside and where introduced anew to the earth, and I felt newborn. This was a very powerful, beautiful moment for me. 
I appreciate these moments of rebirth.

7.07.2014

5th day at Ängsbacka


5th day at Ängsbacka
Slow day. 
Hot sun, great kitchen shift with honest conversations about life, sex and love. Moving more into expressing my emotions honestly and truly to the people around me, it's an ongoing exploration into myself. Trying to learn how to receive without feeling that I need to give back.
I'm trying to not judge the process.
After my crying yesterday, I feel extremely open, and exposed.
The sharing circle is a group of 5-7 people where you listen to each other and share what is going on inside you. It's an about an hour of sharing and the group listens to you for 10 minutes or more.
Experiencing people listening to you so unconditionally and lovingly is a revelation.
I feel so loved, and it makes me question so many things.
 It opens up my heart more and more every day.
Never have I shared my feelings so openly.
Considering these people where stranger 5 days ago, this is extraordinary.
I feel old and new at the same time.
Moving more and more into feeling new.
I already experience some sort of loss when I look at the picture from 2-3-4 days ago. Like I don't feel connected to this version of myself.
I feel like I'm changing into being more alive.
Even my face from yesterday looks unfamiliar and distant.
Also…
I danced for a couple of hours this evening with group of 20 or so. Wonderful.
and...
 I am sunburned.

4th day at Ängsbacka

4th day at Ängsbacka.
Feeling open and vulnerable after a sharing circle with 7 other people. When it was finished I went off into the woods and I cried like I have never cried before in my entire life. I felt everything I have ever felt all at the same time. Screaming, towards the blue sky, releasing.

Lycke, a lovely woman sung to me, I picked up a plastic bag on the way back, and she plucked me an elderflower with a very strong scent. I drank pure water from a river and then... A lot of resting.

3rd day at Ängsbacka


3rd day at Ängsbacka.
Restless kitchen shift. Feeling sensitive and open.
A little drama at a morning gathering. Collision of different energy, was the cause of this drama.
I find myself reflecting upon boundaries and love.

Painting. Beautiful new meetings.

Just arrived.


3/7/2014
Just arrived to Ängsbacka:
Saw a girl on the train, and the bus. We did not speak until we got of at Molkom even though I had a feeling she might be going to Ängsbacka. It turned out she was danish to, and that we where going to sleep in the same room for the entire summer.
Also...
Delicious vegan food,
Sensual dance workshop, and I recieved a love shower from 40 people.

7.03.2014

Leaving home. Day one.


What you see here, is a perfect example of relief, after struggling all morning with finding a train departure to Molkom, Sweden.
The long-distance bus never showed up.
I'm on a deadline. I'm heading towards Ängsbacka Kursgård.
There I will spend a month volunteering at the Celebrate Life Festival, Yoga Festival and Tantra Festival.
I gave up my apartment in Copenhagen, where I've been living for almost a year, studying theatre.
And with open arms. I wander.
Practically homeless, except my core within, and my 30L backpack.
- 2 shirts
- 1 dress
- 1 pair of pants
- 1 pair of tights
-  2 panties, 1 bra
- 1 sweater
- 1 cardigan
- 1 jacket
- 1 pair of light shoes
- 1 pair of huaraches
- laptop and phone + loose bits
- 1 pocket sized led lenser light
-  2 small love stone from friend + 1 passport + 1 healthcare + 1 mastercard (in wallet)
- aquarelle paint + paper
- color pencils + big permanent marker
- Diary
- Dr. Bronners 18 purpose magic soap + hair conditioning
- toothbrush+paste/hairbrush/tea tree oil(antiseptic)/nailclipper/bandaid
- 600 ml waterbottle
- green tea powder
- small sleeping bag
- compressed towel
- compressed raincoat
- 1 pair of gloves
- 1 scarf
- Nuts and raisins


I imagine these posts being kind of an honest and simple portrayal of where life will be taking me, this coming time.
This will perhaps also help me stay connected with the people I love
and other kind souls who might be interested.
But most of all for my own sense of feeling that I'm sharing.
I started this project in order to connect with myself in a different way. Kind of like a heart diary… Comletely exposed and open. if you would like to, I invite to come inside… 

Warning: This is an experiment.