- Right now I keep hurting my right thumb, burning it, scraping it, wounding it - No wonder. To much thinking about how to assert my power in terms of how to do the best job being: active, awake, initiating. Like I wrote about yesterday. When and where to put my presence.
planting beetroots and fennel really agrees with me.
I love the feeling that I'm helping life grow, down, into the ground, up, into the air.
This make me feel connected to the beetroots and fennels in an incredible way.
Also harvesting potatoes feels really satisfying.
They've been living in the ground for so long, living, growing, and now they are ready to nourish our bodies.
Also; I randomly bursted into tears today after accidentally stabbing a rainworm with a gardening tool.
I had to gather a lot of self-control within me in order to not cry hysterically.
I felt so bad, and that really surprised me.
I'm joggling this insecurity around within me.
It's about just how much work to do.
The kind man who owns this piece of earth told us this morning that honesty above all is important to him, and if we need to work a lot or do nothing for a while, it's all good. I really emphasis this.
But some part of me feels guilty each time I sit down for a break.
Like right now.
I can hear them making dinner in the kitchen, and I feel like I SHOULD do something.
It's this "should".
Basically I don't have to do anything. This is why this is so interesting.
I keep thinking: "I've been working good and hard 5 hours today and you don't have to do more now, you've done your share."
Followed by: "You can't just sit here on your ass, when this man is giving you a place to stay and food to eat."
But I see the irony.
Right now I am learning to be in this collective sharing household.
This man's philosophy is simple:
Sharing work tasks and sharing lives. Dreams, food, time.
I do not get the feeling that I am a complete stranger in this atmosphere, but I need some time to get into
this sharing-energy. Being used to living alone with my own economy, my own food, my own room, my own time.
It's good for me to get outside my old comfort zone into the sphere of others, because;
We are one.
I'm continuasly finding myself in situations where the question:
How much should I participate?
How much should I engage myself in the thing going on around me, but at the same time I'm in peace.
It's all observations right now.
Once again my finest job right now is to simplify.
And the people here are lovely, the more I spend time with them, the more they open up.
Same goes for me.
Part of me wants them to invite me more into the conversations.
I want to feel engaged. It's hard keeping up with all the german.
They are used to having people come and go all the time, so the arrival was not so formal at all, neither the work arrangements. Something inside me really thrives on this informality, this zen-like comming/going energy. Whatever, do what you like, be what you like. It feels honest.
Still, shyness is present in me for some reason or another.
I'm discovering old social habits and new sides of me emerging.
introverted versus extroverted is a balance for me.
I'm open to the connection and communication, but I stay silent most of the time.
I'm practicing honesty with my need for silence.
Luckily there is social space for silence here.
The last couple of weeks I have noticed myself looking deeply at people and not getting any connection from them, this is making me reflect.
this has maybe always been the norm in my connection with people,
I've been fearing the eye gazing.
I am feeling surprisingly quite energized.
All the alone time, weeding, with my head down the dirt and my bare hands ripping and picking in the mud and greens. I find myself being there. In the moment, not wandering off into thought or daydreaming. But staying present with the plants, smelling the rain, feeling the earth, greeting the worms.
I find myself being extremely observant of my habits. All kinds of habits. Spiritual, mental, unconscious habits showing themselves, social habit, physical like sleeping, eating. This is all surfacing for me.
My habits and the resins behind them are becoming visible.
This is a bit disturbing, but extremely wonderful.
I find myself stopping myself whilst thinking a thought or committing an action.
Rejecting a glass of wine today is an example or thinking that I needed to write something interesting in this post, that I could benefit from re-reading again at some point.
Although the illusion of loneliness has been present in me today, and I have been missing a hug, kiss or touch I feel happy to be exactly where I am right now.
Maybe I will ask for a hug tomorrow, I know I won't be rejected, but there is some odd notion of:
"You can't ask someone you just met yesterday for a hug!"
Sang to the moon yesterday night while plowing through the waves on a huge metal machine.
Said farewell to my friend.
Now I wander Copenhagen.
Drinking juice in Cafées and painting strangers.
I'm feeling self-conscious, and far away from nature.
Trying to navigate myself into these feelings.
It's so easy to just avoid and evert.
My mind is saying "harmony at all costs, no bad emotions, you're so peaceful"
My heart says "feel, cry, this is you"
At the moment I remain stone faced.
Was sent off from ängsbacka yesterday
by the last bundle of the volunteers.
A lot of crying, again. Made a
hitchiking sign for Copenhagen and went off to the road.
The first man that picked me up was
kind and loving.
Gave me 100 crowns, ”For icecream”
he said. and then gave me a hug. It felt like someone had sent me an
angel to look after me. 10 min later I was picked up by a mother and
her son.I fell asleep almost instantly. They drove me for two hours,
and put me off by a train station.
It felt like a clear sign. I needed to
take the train for the rest of the trip back to Copenhagen.
I was simply too filled up with my
ängsbacka experience to continue hitching for the day.
It felt allright.
Was taken in by a lovely friend,
Cried, talked, laughed, slept.
Copenhagen felt like a sedative drug.
I've been sleepwalking through the streetdrama.