germany day 5

I find that these kind of days, are almost more worth sharing than the eventful ones, so here you go:
A spoonful of dense weekend casserole with laziness on top.


4th day in Germany

House cleaning. 
I liked to clean today for some reason.
Felt like a cleanse. 
And since it's not my own personal space, I can distance myself from the outcome of the cleaning.

The cold autumn is creeping in. 
I'm feeling embraced.
Right now I just AM. 
I'm just mind, energy, soul, matter, and it doesn't matter.

Louise Hay - affirmations to ease of the body.


- Right now I keep hurting my right thumb, burning it, scraping it, wounding it - No wonder. To much thinking about how to assert my power in terms of how to do the best job being: active, awake, initiating. Like I wrote about yesterday. When and where to put my presence.


Germany day 3

Garden work;
planting beetroots and fennel really agrees with me. 
I love the feeling that I'm helping life grow, down, into the ground, up, into the air. 
This make me feel connected to the beetroots and fennels in an incredible way.
Also harvesting potatoes feels really satisfying. 
They've been living in the ground for so long, living, growing, and now they are ready to nourish our bodies.
Also; I randomly bursted into tears today after accidentally stabbing a rainworm with a gardening tool.
I had to gather a lot of self-control within me in order to not cry hysterically.
I felt so bad, and that really surprised me.

I'm joggling this insecurity around within me. 
It's about just how much work to do.
The kind man who owns this piece of earth told us this morning that honesty above all is important to him, and if we need to work a lot or do nothing for a while, it's all good. I really emphasis this. 
But some part of me feels guilty each time I sit down for a break.
Like right now. 
I can hear them making dinner in the kitchen, and I feel like I SHOULD do something. 
It's this "should". 
Basically I don't have to do anything. This is why this is so interesting. 
I keep thinking: "I've been working good and hard 5 hours today and you don't have to do more now, you've done your share." 
Followed by: "You can't just sit here on your ass, when this man is giving you a place to stay and food to eat." 
But I see the irony.

Right now I am learning to be in this collective sharing household.
This man's philosophy is simple:
Sharing, being.
Sharing work tasks and sharing lives. Dreams, food, time. 
I do not get the feeling that I am a complete stranger in this atmosphere, but I need some time to get into
this sharing-energy. Being used to living alone with my own economy, my own food, my own room, my own time.

It's good for me to get outside my old comfort zone into the sphere of others, because; 
We are one.
I'm continuasly finding myself in situations where the question:
How much should I participate?
How much should I engage myself in the thing going on around me, but at the same time I'm in peace.
It's all observations right now.

Once again my finest job right now is to simplify. 

Germany day 2

quiet morning. 
Laying out compost on small lava stones
Sowing grass on the compost
Weeding the vegetable garden.
Weeding again tomorrow.
Cold and rain, sudden outbursts of sun. 
South germany is a peculiar friend. 
And the people here are lovely, the more I spend time with them, the more they open up.
Same goes for me.
Part of me wants them to invite me more into the conversations.
I want to feel engaged. It's hard keeping up with all the german.
They are used to having people come and go all the time, so the arrival was not so formal at all, neither the work arrangements. Something inside me really thrives on this informality, this zen-like comming/going energy. Whatever, do what you like, be what you like. It feels honest.
Still, shyness is present in me for some reason or another.

I'm discovering old social habits and new sides of me emerging. 
introverted versus extroverted is a balance for me. 
I'm open to the connection and communication, but I stay silent most of the time.
I'm practicing honesty with my need for silence.
Luckily there is social space for silence here. 

The last couple of weeks I have noticed myself looking deeply at people and not getting any connection from them, this is making me reflect. 
this has maybe always been the norm in my connection with people, 
I've been fearing the eye gazing. 

I am feeling surprisingly quite energized. 
All the alone time, weeding, with my head down the dirt and my bare hands ripping and picking in the mud and greens. I find myself being there. In the moment, not wandering off into thought or daydreaming. But staying present with the plants, smelling the rain, feeling the earth, greeting the worms.
I find myself being extremely observant of my habits. All kinds of habits. Spiritual, mental, unconscious habits showing themselves, social habit, physical like sleeping, eating. This is all surfacing for me.
My habits and the resins behind them are becoming visible.
This is a bit disturbing, but extremely wonderful.
I find myself stopping myself whilst thinking a thought or committing an action.
Rejecting a glass of wine today is an example or thinking that I needed to write something interesting in this post, that I could benefit from re-reading again at some point.

Although the illusion of loneliness has been present in me today, and I have been missing a hug, kiss or touch I feel happy to be exactly where I am right now. 
Maybe I will ask for a hug tomorrow, I know I won't be rejected, but there is some odd notion of:
"You can't ask someone you just met yesterday for a hug!" 
I know this is not true. 
Nonetheless… it's fear.
I accept it. 


Germany day 1

19th august.

This morning: early wakening, feeling safe. Still at my mothers house.

Going to the train. Saying goodbye to mom. Crying a little. 
Then taking the train an hour to get to my arranged lift from gomore.dk in Vejle
An iranian couple picks me up, I end up only driving with the man who doesn't speak a word of english, danish or german.
No conversation. Sharing space with a telephone yelling man for 9 hours, until arriving in Bonn.
Taking the train from Bonn to Mechernich. 
Randomly sharing a cap with another dane from Mechernich to Eiserfey. 
In the cap I realize the cabdriver doesn't take master card, so the lovely, funny woman called Karin pays my fare. 

Arrived at my destination.
Met a couple of the other volunteers.
All seams well. I feel welcome.
And I am excited about tomorrow.
I also have the worst headache ever from the car ride with the Iranian guy.
I also feel like I am REALLY trying to relax, so much I create inner tension. 

Now; Sleepy time.


17th August - Motherly safety

I'm quite unexpectedly at my mothers house in Jutland. 
My sisters wedding yesterday was lovely. 
Cried, laughed, hugged, kissed.
Now I'm here with 4 cats. 
Heaven for a few hours before going to Berlin. 
Hectic few weeks, and I'm looking forward for a hectic rest of the year.
I'm going to a hare krishna community in Italy in October.
I feel relaxed, happy, and ready for a good book. Until tomorrow. 
If there is one thing I notice from looking back through this blog, it's that I'm ever changing all the time no matter where i am. 

15th August

My last days in Copenhagen for now are over.
I'm at my sisters house outside copenhagen in a beautiful area. 
She's planning her wedding for tomorrow. 
Hours well spend alone. 


August 14th

August 14th

Most exhausting day for a very, very long time. 
Deep breathing. 

August 13th

August 13th 

Been sleeping at a lovely friends house.
Arrived to my sisters house to stay with her and her son + fiancé until her wedding on saturday.
Copenhagen rush. 
Things happening to fast to slowly. 


August 11th, Morning.

Saw the movie "Tracks" yesterday in the Cinema.
Overwhelmed by the amount of people and the apocalyptic atmosphere.

Staying at a friends home, and that feels incredibly safe and great.
Here, with her, there is room for silence and exhaustion.

My waken hours in Copenhagen, right now, feels like an ongoing exploration of who I am socially, after the ängsbacka experience. 
I find myself choosing silence over conversation 80% of the time.
I have not been sharing my experience as much as I thought I would. 
The reason why, is not really clear to me.
I guess I am still processing.

It's all good, and I accept where I am.

And this is me on the right, with Line, my dear glam rock goddess on the left, with whom I've previously been staying with: 


Saturday August 9th

Saturday August 9th

Arrived in Copenhagen by boat this morning. 
Sang to the moon yesterday night while plowing through the waves on a huge metal machine. 
Said farewell to my friend.
Now I wander Copenhagen.
Drinking juice in Cafées and painting strangers.
I'm feeling self-conscious, and far away from nature.
Trying to navigate myself into these feelings.
It's so easy to just avoid and evert.
My mind is saying "harmony at all costs, no bad emotions, you're so peaceful"
My heart says "feel, cry, this is you"
At the moment I remain stone faced.

Friday August 8th

Friday August 8th

I was invited on a free boat trip to Oslo by a lovely friend, Signe.
So I've been on a Boat for 24 hours now.
Arrived in Oslo this morning in the beautiful harbour.
Mountains and glas buildings.
Swimming in the sea. Sweating in the sun.
I bought a clear mountain crystal, which I will be carrying around with me.
I feel relaxed and a bit invaded by my surrounds.
The tiny world of a large ship is suffocating.
This is a busy eco-system of steel, tax free shops and karaoke bars.
I'm finding myself feeling like I'm in outer space after a great earth apocolypse and I'm on a spaceship with the rest of the desperate survivers.
The moon was big and yellow yesterday, and I am breathing a lot of northern sea air.
I feel like the only thing keeping me on the deck is the grand amount of free food in my belly.
I'm thinking a lot about a friend from ängsbacka, who I long to see, which is ironic.
I know he is in my heart. Longing is not nessesary. Nevertheless.


Wednesday August 6th

Wednesday August 6th

Arrived in copenhagen.
2x hitching lifts from Molkom.
Was sent off from ängsbacka yesterday by the last bundle of the volunteers.
A lot of crying, again. Made a hitchiking sign for Copenhagen and went off to the road.
The first man that picked me up was kind and loving.
Gave me 100 crowns, ”For icecream” he said. and then gave me a hug. It felt like someone had sent me an angel to look after me. 10 min later I was picked up by a mother and her son.I fell asleep almost instantly. They drove me for two hours, and put me off by a train station.
It felt like a clear sign. I needed to take the train for the rest of the trip back to Copenhagen.
I was simply too filled up with my ängsbacka experience to continue hitching for the day.
It felt allright.
Was taken in by a lovely friend, Andreas.
Cried, talked, laughed, slept.

Copenhagen felt like a sedative drug. I've been sleepwalking through the streetdrama.

Feeling relaxed and apathetic.


Last day on ängsbacka

Last day on ängsbacka

hitchhiking back to Copenhagen now.
Staying there until mid August, because of my sisters wedding.
I have nothing to say right now.

And so… The adventure proceeds. 


33rd day on ängsbacka

33rd day on ängsbacka

A little sentimental,
A bit of crying,
SO much love.

I've established such a close relationship with myself here, and this has been the most transforming experience of my life.
Facing the hardest parts of my subconscious and non-love habits.
Getting in touch with disappointments and abandonment on a very deep level.
Getting a myriad of pimples on my forehead, headaches, fevers.
This has been, and is still extremely cleansing. 
It feels like I'm learning to walk and talk in a new body. 
The relationship between my soul and physicality is more present. 
We are all made of energy and atoms.

Being able to cry hysterically like a child again since childhood has been wonderful.
I'm just figuring out how to use this gift of release. 

How do I integrate this complete honesty with my feelings into my daily life?
How do I stay true to whatever is moving within me at any given time?
How do I stay open and simple to every situation I may face during this coming time?
I want to keep communicating with my heart.
feeling everything that might arise within me. Always. 
I'd like to bring this love with me wherever I go.
This honesty.

I know that I do not need to do anything.
I don't need to try.
I just have to be what I am now, and what I will be, and what I was.
Nothing needs to be done.

I have this immense appetite on life, and I just want to go out now and be loved, and bring love.
I feel close to my physical body, and I can accept the change that is really present right now in my life.
as in everyone else's. 
Seeing how we are all interconnected in such a simple and pure way expands my heart.

Things are moving at the speed of light. 
So many hours of eye gazing and hugging.
So much nudity and swimming in the beautiful lake.
So much laughter while working in the kitchen making delicious food with love.
So many people devoted to themselves and others.
So much growing together, in love.
So much sharing directly from the heart. Completely uncensored, transparent communication. 
Seven miles steps into openness.
So much anger and fury.
So much softness and flow.
So much tantra and love making.
Friends from past lives.
Friends for life.
Friends for lives to come.
I have been having brief or longer moments of complete bliss here.
Feeling my true state of being which is happiness and easiness. 

But also I have been tired, exhausted, furious with myself, therefore others.
Tired of heat.
Tired of cake baking.
I've found my wounded child within that just wants to be held and kissed and be told how beautiful she is. I've watched my deeply rooted ways of how I attain the attention I desire.
How I interact to get what I want.
Bad self-esteem has been a theme here on ängsbacka for me.
and prejudice. 
Judging others, because I've been insecure myself.
comparing others personal processes to mine.
Holding back anger because I've been afraid of throwing others out of balance.
My want to harmonize my surroundings, and always be pleasant to be around has interfered with my need to be completely exhausted.
Being fever/cold-sick because of to much mental and spiritual stimulation.

So, tomorrow I'm hitchhiking back to Copenhagen, and this is very exciting and scary for me.
Later today I'm going to the lake and the forest. There I'm going to make a contract with my self.
Kind of like an opening ceremony for my heart. 
How do I integrate this wonderful change and happiness in the best way?
The earth knows.

Only one thing is stable and that is change.


31 day on ängsbacka

31 day on ängsbacka

Just woke from a dream yoga workshop.
You just lie there listening to healing sounds and sleep all night.
I had dreams, and it was about traveling in India.
Yesterday was a turning point in my consciousness on many levels.
New ways to orgasm, new love encounters between beautiful souls.
I feel so grateful to be in my body, in this lifetime.

Yesterday I was crying and crying.
Lying under two oak trees, that where comforting me.
I released and undid years and years of hurt and conditioning.

A little dutch girl called Ami looked me in the eyes and reached out to be held by me.
She was 2 years old. She held her arms so tightly around me
Her mother told me that she was an aquarius to.
I want to be a mother.
I already am.


30th day on ängsbacka

30th day on ängsbacka

I am a tree
mother earth