8.04.2014

33rd day on ängsbacka


33rd day on ängsbacka

A little sentimental,
A bit of crying,
SO much love.

I've established such a close relationship with myself here, and this has been the most transforming experience of my life.
Facing the hardest parts of my subconscious and non-love habits.
Getting in touch with disappointments and abandonment on a very deep level.
Getting a myriad of pimples on my forehead, headaches, fevers.
This has been, and is still extremely cleansing. 
It feels like I'm learning to walk and talk in a new body. 
The relationship between my soul and physicality is more present. 
We are all made of energy and atoms.

Being able to cry hysterically like a child again since childhood has been wonderful.
I'm just figuring out how to use this gift of release. 

How do I integrate this complete honesty with my feelings into my daily life?
How do I stay true to whatever is moving within me at any given time?
How do I stay open and simple to every situation I may face during this coming time?
I want to keep communicating with my heart.
feeling everything that might arise within me. Always. 
I'd like to bring this love with me wherever I go.
This honesty.

I know that I do not need to do anything.
I don't need to try.
I just have to be what I am now, and what I will be, and what I was.
Nothing needs to be done.
Zen.

I have this immense appetite on life, and I just want to go out now and be loved, and bring love.
I feel close to my physical body, and I can accept the change that is really present right now in my life.
as in everyone else's. 
Seeing how we are all interconnected in such a simple and pure way expands my heart.


Things are moving at the speed of light. 
So many hours of eye gazing and hugging.
So much nudity and swimming in the beautiful lake.
So much laughter while working in the kitchen making delicious food with love.
So many people devoted to themselves and others.
So much growing together, in love.
So much sharing directly from the heart. Completely uncensored, transparent communication. 
Seven miles steps into openness.
So much anger and fury.
So much softness and flow.
So much tantra and love making.
Friends from past lives.
Friends for life.
Friends for lives to come.
I have been having brief or longer moments of complete bliss here.
Feeling my true state of being which is happiness and easiness. 

But also I have been tired, exhausted, furious with myself, therefore others.
Tired of heat.
Tired of cake baking.
I've found my wounded child within that just wants to be held and kissed and be told how beautiful she is. I've watched my deeply rooted ways of how I attain the attention I desire.
How I interact to get what I want.
Bad self-esteem has been a theme here on ängsbacka for me.
and prejudice. 
Judging others, because I've been insecure myself.
comparing others personal processes to mine.
Holding back anger because I've been afraid of throwing others out of balance.
My want to harmonize my surroundings, and always be pleasant to be around has interfered with my need to be completely exhausted.
Being fever/cold-sick because of to much mental and spiritual stimulation.

So, tomorrow I'm hitchhiking back to Copenhagen, and this is very exciting and scary for me.
Later today I'm going to the lake and the forest. There I'm going to make a contract with my self.
Kind of like an opening ceremony for my heart. 
How do I integrate this wonderful change and happiness in the best way?
The earth knows.

Only one thing is stable and that is change.

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