8.21.2014

Germany day 2


quiet morning. 
Laying out compost on small lava stones
Sowing grass on the compost
Weeding the vegetable garden.
Weeding again tomorrow.
Cold and rain, sudden outbursts of sun. 
South germany is a peculiar friend. 
And the people here are lovely, the more I spend time with them, the more they open up.
Same goes for me.
Part of me wants them to invite me more into the conversations.
I want to feel engaged. It's hard keeping up with all the german.
They are used to having people come and go all the time, so the arrival was not so formal at all, neither the work arrangements. Something inside me really thrives on this informality, this zen-like comming/going energy. Whatever, do what you like, be what you like. It feels honest.
Still, shyness is present in me for some reason or another.

I'm discovering old social habits and new sides of me emerging. 
introverted versus extroverted is a balance for me. 
I'm open to the connection and communication, but I stay silent most of the time.
I'm practicing honesty with my need for silence.
Luckily there is social space for silence here. 

The last couple of weeks I have noticed myself looking deeply at people and not getting any connection from them, this is making me reflect. 
this has maybe always been the norm in my connection with people, 
I've been fearing the eye gazing. 

I am feeling surprisingly quite energized. 
All the alone time, weeding, with my head down the dirt and my bare hands ripping and picking in the mud and greens. I find myself being there. In the moment, not wandering off into thought or daydreaming. But staying present with the plants, smelling the rain, feeling the earth, greeting the worms.
I find myself being extremely observant of my habits. All kinds of habits. Spiritual, mental, unconscious habits showing themselves, social habit, physical like sleeping, eating. This is all surfacing for me.
My habits and the resins behind them are becoming visible.
This is a bit disturbing, but extremely wonderful.
I find myself stopping myself whilst thinking a thought or committing an action.
Rejecting a glass of wine today is an example or thinking that I needed to write something interesting in this post, that I could benefit from re-reading again at some point.

Although the illusion of loneliness has been present in me today, and I have been missing a hug, kiss or touch I feel happy to be exactly where I am right now. 
Maybe I will ask for a hug tomorrow, I know I won't be rejected, but there is some odd notion of:
"You can't ask someone you just met yesterday for a hug!" 
I know this is not true. 
Nonetheless… it's fear.
I accept it. 


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