So much freaking diversity!
So many posts reflecting the individuals behind the posts.
The hopes, and the dreams.
So many humans ready with their own stories.
I feel humbled to see each and every one playing their unique part of the game of life to the best of their ability. Creating their lives, thoughts, feelings and cover-photos.
Thank you facebook for connecting me to my human family! Yay!
The last part of my day I spend in the cliffs, calm wind.
I had to dig my nose into the ground to smell the intoxicating scent of the earth, grass, dew and rotten leaves.
The sun was setting.
Just a smooth transition of color. Night conquering day. Marine, blue, indigo, soft pink and orange.
Singing and howling in gratitude.
Sometimes I forget, this is what life feel like, when I'm not escaping my true nature.
To be outside.
To listen to the crackling of bushes where the mouse is nesting
To feel the temperature going down with the creeping darkness.
To long for a small camp fire.
To feel safely and softly held in the grass.
To talk to the flowers.
All is perfect, always.
I give thanks to this day.
May you know with every fiber of your being,
that all is well.
With all of my being,
I love you.
It smells sweet.
Myriads of colors.
I long for warm hands embracing my breasts.
Quiet sunsets and warming brews. Mint, lady's girdle, dandelion. thistle and nettles.
A sensuous calmness envelops me. Lullabies of late summer fading out into winter's hibernation.
I love autumn. The 20th autumn of my life.
Dedicated to pleasure, silence and birdsong.
Nothing could be more perfect than this moment.
A crow family serenading the gray sky.
The fire swallowing my diary, once more.
Sheepskins and ripe apples.
A quiet sense of gratitude.
I started to write. Without thinking. These childhood memories came through:
A mere glance at myself and I fall into the depth of confusion.
How did this occur?
This life, so filled with paradox.
So filled with colors.
The house isn't even a house.
The mother isn't even a mother.
None of us are what we claim to be.
No color is true enough.
Your blue might as well be my green.
I've been lied to by my myself.
Don't check my hair for lice.
I know they are there.
And the touch of your impatient hands remind me of the times you brushed my hair as a child.
To rough, I can do it myself.
Dancing, I'm not beautiful enough.
Music, I'm not courageous enough.
Drawing, I'm talented.
School, I feel imprisoned, I can do it by myself.
Clothing, to ordinary, I can do it on my own.
Friends, to demanding, I'd rather be alone.
Friends don't really understand.
Only I understand.
Family, a warfare, I'd rather have peace, alone.
Love, I'm fearful, I'd rather be alone.
I'm sick of being alone, I long for company.
The creatures in the forest knows.
They love me.
The ladybugs and the cats.
The chickens and the rabbits.
The dogs and the wind.
The water and the fire.
The laughter and the joy.
The carrots in the ground.
The silent knowing that all is well.
The flowers in the garden.
I love the gardener who planted those.
The grass under my bare feet, in the afternoon, midsummer sun.
The clinking of colliding beer bottles between friends at the weddings.
The harmony of the choirs.
It all started with a conception of love.
Turned into a distortion of love.
The changing of the seasons is my true parents.
The whispering of the ants beside the giant willow.
The memories of fear.
The right here, and now.
Started on some flower medicine to help clean out some heavy mindedness.
Going to sweat out some toxins in the infrared sauna in half an hour.
My family has expanded endlessly. I feel a growing global kinship to all I meet.
Especially through the network of the ayahuasca ceremonies I have been partaking in this summer.
opening up to genuine friendship has been an illuminating experience for me.
The honesty people have been willing to share with me is highly educational.
True honesty is really a gift. Sometimes tough loving one.
I thank all the people who have shared their experiences, thoughts, feelings in complete honesty from the core of my being.
It means no hiding beyond false structured walls of protection.
No greed, selfpity, arrogance... egoic destructive behaviors, fear is spared by the sharp blades of honesty.
Time to rest and integrate the need for authenticity in my life...
I feel it. Deeply. Enveloping me. Maturing, ripening my experiences of the last few seasons. Harvesting the lessons and the sensations recorded in my body, mind and soul.
reprogramming my DNA. One string at a time.
This has been a summer of profound catalyzing transformation for me, if it where to have been a movie the title would be "intensity".
I don't think I could count the blessing if I tried.. to list them...
Impossible! Every breath has been a loving teaching.
Every periodic moment of realizing that I continuously wake up from a deep sleep state, has been ever painful, ever blissful and frustrating beyond measure.
Somehow my entire system has hit restart.
Somehow my body is being sensitized and reversed.
this sensation comes from a new experience of heaviness, clarity of fear and pain.
Whatever has been keeping locked down and non-energized is painfully visible and strong within.
My stomach has been telling me tales of a deep void emptiness, repressed childhood heaviness, self-hate, family fear and hurt... cosmic confusion.
I'm standing in front of a deep, gorging gap in my relationship to my natural way of being.
questions of why all exists. Why there is the sensation of suffering and pleasure, and what the difference is, and what is truth. To many questions to pose, really.
So in the middle of my massive need and attempt to know, and my deep longing to just be. I am.
I have to laugh.
this life is opening up. More and more every day.
Today I sat with a bunch of old family photos, and adolescence photos of my mother. Confronted face first with her pain and sorrow, joys and gifts, serves as a great teacher, and somewhat of a warning.
To harvest other people's learnings is a tricky matter. Especially a biased one like this. It's difficult to not get emotionally involved when the fact is that I love her dearly and want her to be happy and lead a life that would have her shining with light and spirit. Like I want EVERY spirit incarnated as a human to...
Life humbles me.
I have a slightly arrogant feeling of being the midst of healing my ancestral heritage. Reading old poems written by my grandmother poses an undeniable link to her wishes for herself, her life, her children, being passed down to me as a fragmented manifestation of her life.
I'm in one way a translated creation of her thoughts, feeling, soul.
The same goes for my mother, my father, and their parents, and their parents before them, way back when... and to the beginning of creation. Of course this is much bigger than my mind could ever even begin to convey at this point. There is no point. This is what I relearn every time I try.
This summer has been a powerful awakening to the fact that I'm not acting from a place of wholeness and authenticity in my relationships. For the most part of my life I have been trying to deserve something that cannot be deserved but is inherent in ALL living things. The deservedness to be loved. To be love.
I won't bore you with the details of my childhood. It's fundamentally unimportant.
but I believe my pain is an expression of an essential flaw in most human incarnated spirits. Fear,
The flaw of resistance to dying. In every moment. To let life be a continuous fluctuation of polarity.
to accept all without resistance. to trust.
For many years I did not at all trust in the law of abundance. Abundance of love. I could NOT understand this concept.
I didn't know that it could be possible to love and be loved unconditionally.
I thought I needed to be creatively talented, highly intelligent, stunningly beautiful and a multitude of other human concepts to lead a happy life and then - be whole. truth is I am all of these qualities and eternally more without ever trying, knowing or existing in physical reality. I am the animating force of creation, and I still stop in front of the mirror to evaluate my look every day. Bad hair days are the worst...
I continuously fall out of love with myself, even after all this clarity... but I do not lose hope that I could live in this dimension of life where loving trust that I am loved and cared for is the driving force of motivation for all of my actions in life.
A life without fear based patterns. Free from making myself small and disempowered to act from a true sense of immortality, sovereignty and freedom.
This is a list I dug up from an old collection of my grandmothers poems and diaries. It's from october, 1993.
the ten most important goals in my life, right now is:
1. I wish to discover MY spiritual path
2. I wish to find the light within myself
3. I wish to see and experience life here on earth
4. I wish to understand, love and accept what I see.
5. I wish to care for my body
6. I wish for success as an artist
7. I wish to give love and peace to all I encounter
8. I wish to serve.
9. I wish to live NOW in presence and harmony
10. I wish for courage and strength to reach my goals.
Thank you for leaving these intimate longings behind for me to reflect on grandmother.
I love and honor you and all that you where. I know you are with me within me, and all around.
I decided to embark on a three day Kambo journey next week.
Kambo is a natural sacred medicine used by many tribes in the northwestern part of the Amazon rain forest. It's a frog poison, from a beautiful green frog called "Giant monkey tree frog". Small holes is burned in the skin and the poison is absorbed into the body through the bloodstream. It usually makes you purge. Google "kambo" for more information, or read this great personal story of Teal Swan: http://blog.thespiritualcatalyst.com/the-kiss-of-the-frog/
Having heard several stories from friends who have done the medicine, and after having participated in 7 Ayahuasca ceremonies. I feel safe and determined to going the step further in my pursuit for health and longevity.
It does feel like it's calling me. I keep noticing the small frog here in the forests around the Ängsbacka area. Like they are encouraging me.
"I am" as old as colors of darkness and light.
"I" dance. That's the only movement "I" know.
"I" exist in very empty space that form is made of.
"I" wanted to experience "me" as "you". Just for the fun of it.
And "you" took the game to seriously.
So here "we" are. Playing. Soon enough "you" will realise the nature of the game.
I saw this happen every day. The change, the shift, I was alive to experience, smell the ground, inhale the morning mist, taste the morning dew, feel and touch the snow, hear the deer's love-cry and the birds celebrating their beating hearts as they returned in their families of dancing movement across the sky. I'm beyond grateful to walk around in this body, incarnated and functioning physically in this timeless time in the memory of planet earth. Being here. Fully present to take in the wonders I created, I slowly wake up from my dream of seperateness. I see that I am living in the garden... That old story. That great chronicle of the Jesus, who walked the earth, as I do now. The identity is stripped away with the clothes on my back. Like my body, my identity, feelings, ideas, concepts, creations will surely perish, die and return to the dirt beneath my dancing bare feet. No more layers will I add. I cannot afford the weight of fear anymore. To expensive a burden. To expensive. I just can't fit anymore in my bags. Pandora's box is opened. The holy grail is before me. I see my own reflection in the tiny puddle right there on the floor. This shifting of nature is a reflection of my own most fundamental nature, as is this language. The desperate attempt to create unbounded matter. Strip me down to atoms and I am empty space. As is all. Yet there is an unmoving force, ever present. Ever observing. No name. No direction. No form. Just, just. I am melting... It cannot stop. Like breathing, I expand, hold, and contract with creation. No more illusion. No more sleeping. I will birth this new paradigm for human exsistence with all that beings that follows this natural calling. To strong to deny. The time is slowing down and speeding up. Stretching out. Creating vast waves of energy from deep space. We are naturally responding like noah's calling for the ark. I feel the lifeforce in me empowering me to live the truth. Now.
What if the freckles on my face and on my body are maps of the galaxy. Secret riddles to solve the paradox of life. Crimes from past lives or indicators of spiritual powers of great magnitude. The mole on my cheek, a blueprint of universal karma. I like to think I'm important.
A strange sense of clarity comes over me after the shock.
A train of thought going through my mind. It feels ineviteble that this is happening. The gletcher storm comes closer. The solid storm of ice swallows everything in it's path. I can't see beyond the storm. What kind of destruction it leaves behind. I'm in a house, a solid tree house with a window where I can see everything.
No panic, just a small worry... Will it hurt?
A strange acceptance.
In that moment it slows down, the storm of white, blue and grey.
I think it's moving slower.
Maybe to give me time to prepare?
It's definitely still comming. Bit's of landscape slowly disappearing in the horizon.
This feels big.
This feels exciting.
A new world.
But first the storm will swallow me.
Pretty soon it will happen. The sun will kill the last traces of winter. The grass is dead and dry and trees still bare, but not barren. They are all pregnant with buds and promises of glowing green... It's a matter of weeks... Days... Hours!
Follow the bliss laid out right in front of you. When you relax onto your path without straining to know and controle each step. You realise your life is a dream in the making that flows with your willingness to trust life. Bliss comes to the human mind that has let down it's guard and trusts with the power and fullness of their soul, whilst acting with the integrity of the human heart. It's intelligent design knows bliss. The soul fuels on light. Go lay on a grassfield with the sun kissing your closed eyelids. Observe the warm colors incasing your closed eyes. Let your finger dig into the earth. Send loving thoughts to someone you know. Whilst keeping in mind that, that moment and how you percieve it is your choice.
Human incarnations is in essense quests for the holy grail. Easy to get lost on the way home. Rest assured you will return, every time. In the process of dying your lesson resolves. You, the soul, customized this incarnation to have a third dimensional experience on mother earth. A mere quest, in where the real adventure is remembering who you in essense are. Temporary memory loss to regain memory. Seemingly containing physical pain, fear and stress. In the sphere of time this is a short time in your existence, and is a part of a much bigger expansion taking place in your galaxy. You create your incarnations out of the free will of your eternal being. Nothing was done to you, ever. No force govern you. That is an illusion of the third realm. In essense you where the holy grail all along and will remain so. When you return to unity, light, scorce, you will be pulled into individuality again, this is the dynamic of existence, until your elevation is finished. Life does not occur without. Breathe, and make the most of this current human memory you carry around in your current human body. Beyond the gold is shining. Enjoy the beauty of this planet, and reading this message in this point in time and space.
To the primitive human edible and medicinal plants is expression of nurtuering, protection and upholding of life and love from within the core of planet earth. She wants you to be full. When you stop relying on food and the air surrounding you feeds your carnal needs, she will still remain nurturing to you and your physical life through the plants that will provide the oxygen you will then live of. Giving back to her is your physical incarnations purpose and calling. Upholding earth's and natures life is your physical inheritance. Your soul knows what she needs. It's up to you to take it upon yourself to respond to her calling. She whispers with a soft ancient voice from the living, breathing soil. She knows why you must deny her. In your surrender to your own suffering, you forget her. She will never deny you once you turn to her. She is pure symbiosis. Something in our minds has polluted the natural symbiosis of humans natural tendencies. She will be there to take your remains back into the ground. In the end your physical body will return to her, and she will rejoice in your dead bodies minerals. As all life is borrowed so shall our impacts be. She will keep growing and providing in her abundant nature until she is defeated to the last drop of water. When she dies, she shall be reborn. She is the upholder of all physical life and she knows no sides in the war of the human condition. She only knows growth, love, death and birth. She is your true provider of motherly nourishment, and she will cradle you until your last earthling incarnation.
From a tree in the Ängsbacka forest: "Fear is like poisen to your dreams.", "symbiosis is the only sustainable way to live." and "your true family is in the air you breathe, the grass to tread, the human you embrace, the stars upon which you gaze, the song of silence, the light. No one has the power to seperate from this true family"