10.16.2015

Facebook

Scrolling down on my facebook newsfeed I feel in awe of this world.
So much freaking diversity!
So many posts reflecting the individuals behind the posts.
The souls.
The hopes, and the dreams.
The optimism!
So many humans ready with their own stories.
I feel humbled to see each and every one playing their unique part of the game of life to the best of their ability. Creating their lives, thoughts, feelings and cover-photos.
Thank you facebook for connecting me to my human family! Yay!

10.14.2015

Home alone

I feel so alive.
Beautiful.
The last part of my day I spend in the cliffs, calm wind.
I had to dig my nose into the ground to smell the intoxicating scent of the earth, grass, dew and rotten leaves.
The sun was setting.
No clouds.
Just a smooth transition of color. Night conquering day. Marine, blue, indigo, soft pink and orange.
Singing and howling in gratitude.
Tears.
Sometimes I forget, this is what life feel like, when I'm not escaping my true nature.
To be outside.
To listen to the crackling of bushes where the mouse is nesting
To feel the temperature going down with the creeping darkness.
To long for a small camp fire.
To feel safely and softly held in the grass.
To talk to the flowers.
All is perfect, always.
No trying.
I give thanks to this day.

10.11.2015

Inspiration

Watch this for 5 min. It shifted my day a little bit.







I love earth!


hidden lake territorial park, Canada


Forest park, New york, Mushrooms that glow in the dark


The northern lights photographed from space by Nasa

Alberta, Canada


The ocean by the maldives

northern lights

Fireflies gathering in the spring in the forests of Tennessee  


10.10.2015

To my brothers and sisters.

May you face yourself.

May you walk towards the darkness when she calls you,
so that you may see the light when you return.
brighter, than ever before, each time she gives you her gift.

May you feel the furious pounding of your own heart
fighting for survival 
in a moment of intense love-making.
In moments of strong medicine.
pearling sweat on your forehead

May you howl at the full moon
taste your own blood
pray in the midnight river
and honor the sun for gifting you light.

May you see your mother for who she truly are.
feel the sacredness of her womb,
honor her ability to create life.

May you taste the fruits of the earth.
Knowing it's all alive and gifted to you from the world under your feet.

May you see your father for who he is truly.
With the divine fires of his phallus,
honor his ability to create life.

May you grant yourself permission to experience life.
Orgastic pleasure,
mind bending riddles.
the loving pain of attachment to the dust of ideas and concepts.
The whispering of all living things around you, echoing deep in your cells. 
May you allow all states of mind and soul to pass away in and out, with the changing of the wind.

May you feel the bursting softness of the spring grass on your skin.
The detoxification of summer rain.
the dying of fall.
The silence of winter.

May you give up trying to be something you are not for others sake. 
Give up building walls around you,
give up being fearful of making mistakes.

May you be blessed with the sound of children laughing.
A brother crying with joy.
A sister crying with relief from surrendering to love. 

May you fall in love with life, every day, and inspire others to do the same.

May you dance, enjoy, love and sing.
To your dyeing days.

May you know with every fiber of your being,
that all is well.



With all of my being,
I love you.





10.08.2015

My mothers house. 4th day.



It smells sweet.
Fermented.
Myriads of colors.
I long for warm hands embracing my breasts.
Quiet sunsets and warming brews. Mint, lady's girdle, dandelion.  thistle and nettles.
A sensuous calmness envelops me. Lullabies of late summer fading out into winter's hibernation.
I love autumn. The 20th autumn of my life.
Dedicated to pleasure, silence and birdsong.
Nothing could be more perfect than this moment.
A crow family serenading the gray sky.
The fire swallowing my diary, once more.
Sheepskins and ripe apples.
A quiet sense of gratitude.

Childhood memories.


I started to write. Without thinking. These childhood memories came through:

A mere glance at myself and I fall into the depth of confusion.
How did this occur?
This life, so filled with paradox.
So filled with colors.
The house isn't even a house.
The mother isn't even a mother.
None of us are what we claim to be.
No color is true enough.
Your blue might as well be my green.
I've been lied to by my myself.
Don't check my hair for lice.
I know they are there.
And the touch of your impatient hands remind me of the times you brushed my hair as a child.
To rough, I can do it myself.
Dancing, I'm not beautiful enough.
Music, I'm not courageous enough.
Drawing, I'm talented.
School, I feel imprisoned, I can do it by myself.
Clothing, to ordinary, I can do it on my own.
Friends, to demanding, I'd rather be alone.
Friends don't really understand.
Only I understand.
Family, a warfare, I'd rather have peace, alone.
Love, I'm fearful, I'd rather be alone.
I'm sick of being alone, I long for company.
The creatures in the forest knows.
They love me.
The ladybugs and the cats.
The chickens and the rabbits.
The dogs and the wind.
The water and the fire.
The laughter and the joy.
The carrots in the ground.
The silent knowing that all is well.
The flowers in the garden.
I love the gardener who planted those.
The grass under my bare feet, in the afternoon, midsummer sun.
The clinking of colliding beer bottles between friends at the weddings.
The harmony of the choirs.
It all started with a conception of love.
Turned into a distortion of love.

The changing of the seasons is my true parents.
The whispering of the ants beside the giant willow.
The memories of fear.
The right here, and now.
I'm home.

10.06.2015

Vacation


1st day 
at my mothers home.

Arrived in Jutland straight to a baptist party for a little fellow now called "Vincent".
Met second-linked family members, mother's cousins and their children et cetera.
Spend most of the time "alone" in the sun listening to the guests conversations about real-estate, mortgages and children's clothing. 

2nd day:
settled into a little room in my mothers house.
pulled out and dusted of her old crystals.
went to the western sea with my mother and little brother to get some ocean wind into our lungs
 Collected sea crystals. 
Ate chocolate
Discovered old pictures of my mother from her youth.
Travelling in Thailand, india and iceland. 
Such a beauty.
She somehow always looked old in the expression on her face despite her big smile. 
Also discovered old poems and diaries from my grandmother who has now passed over into new worlds. 

One of them from 3rd of june 1993 goes: 
(written on a typewriter, translated from danish)

It's full moon tomorrow
I will keep a dialogue with my mind
so my will can hear
and perform my intuitive knowing
I wish to become still,
so I can hear, and feel the presence. 


What's the color of my will?
will to worthiness and presence. 

What's the color of my ability to distinguish ?
only the knowing of presence
knows the right distinction

A collection of atoms - diverse 
which contains my soul - the universe,
my soul is contained in the universe,
is one with the universe.
I AMM
right now I am here
Paradox in my brain



- Inge Duelund


3rd day:

Vulnerability.
Told mother about my ayahuasca ceremonies and kambo sessions 
sobbing with gratitude in front of my mother.
long walk.
Silence, meditation. 
cleansed by the wind.
Just being.
Started on some flower medicine to help clean out some heavy mindedness.
Going to sweat out some toxins in the infrared sauna in half an hour.




10.04.2015

Love nesting!





My tribe is slowly comming together, and we are looking to find, build and nest a loving home where we can serve, heal and love.
A place to grow our own food, provide for our own need without the dependency on supermarkets and money.
A place to heal, sit in circles around the fires, sing and love freely without fear.
A place to expres creativity, sovereignty, authenticity and naturalness.

I'm GRATEFUL to be on the path of manifesting a place like this,
the search is on! Let us know of any cheap, beautiful, nature spot in Sweden for sale.

Honesty

One of the biggest joys of my life this summer has been forming new intimate friendships that has penetrated my life so graciously and easily.

My family has expanded endlessly. I feel a growing global kinship to all I meet.

Especially through the network of the ayahuasca ceremonies I have been partaking in this summer.
opening up to genuine friendship has been an illuminating experience for me.
The honesty people have been willing to share with me is highly educational.

True honesty is really a gift. Sometimes tough loving one.
I thank all the people who have shared their experiences, thoughts, feelings in complete honesty from the core of my being.
Honesty heals.
It means no hiding beyond false structured walls of protection.
No greed, selfpity, arrogance... egoic destructive behaviors, fear is spared by the sharp blades of honesty.

Time to rest and integrate the need for authenticity in my life...






harvesting reflections, teachings and hardships in disguise

Do you feel the embrace of fall?

I feel it. Deeply. Enveloping me. Maturing, ripening my experiences of the last few seasons. Harvesting the lessons and the sensations recorded in my body, mind and soul.
reprogramming my DNA. One string at a time.

This has been a summer of profound catalyzing transformation for me, if it where to have been a movie the title would be "intensity".

I don't think I could count the blessing if I tried.. to list them...
Impossible! Every breath has been a loving teaching.
Every periodic moment of realizing that I continuously wake up from a deep sleep state, has been ever painful, ever blissful and frustrating beyond measure.

Somehow my entire system has hit restart.
Somehow my body is being sensitized and reversed.
this sensation comes from a new experience of heaviness, clarity of fear and pain.
Whatever has been keeping locked down and non-energized is painfully visible and strong within.
My stomach has been telling me tales of a deep void emptiness, repressed childhood heaviness, self-hate, family fear and hurt... cosmic confusion.

I'm standing in front of a deep, gorging gap in my relationship to my natural way of being.
questions of why all exists. Why there is the sensation of suffering and pleasure, and what the difference is, and what is truth. To many questions to pose, really.

So in the middle of my massive need and attempt to know, and my deep longing to just be. I am.

I have to laugh. 

this life is opening up. More and more every day.

Today I sat with a bunch of old family photos, and adolescence photos of my mother. Confronted face first with her pain and sorrow, joys and gifts, serves as a great teacher, and somewhat of a warning.
To harvest other people's learnings is a tricky matter. Especially a biased one like this. It's difficult to not get emotionally involved when the fact is that I love her dearly and want her to be happy and lead a life that would have her shining with light and spirit. Like I want EVERY spirit incarnated as a human to...


Life humbles me. 


I have a slightly arrogant feeling of being the midst of healing my ancestral heritage. Reading old poems written by my grandmother poses an undeniable link to her wishes for herself, her life, her children, being passed down to me as a fragmented manifestation of her life.
I'm in one way a translated creation of her thoughts, feeling, soul.
The same goes for my mother, my father, and their parents, and their parents before them, way back when... and to the beginning of creation. Of course this is much bigger than my mind could ever even begin to convey at this point. There is no point. This is what I relearn every time I try.

This summer has been a powerful awakening to the fact that I'm not acting from a place of wholeness and authenticity in my relationships. For the most part of my life I have been trying to deserve something that cannot be deserved but is inherent in ALL living things. The deservedness to be loved. To be love.
I won't bore you with the details of my childhood. It's fundamentally unimportant.
but I believe my pain is an expression of an essential flaw in most human incarnated spirits. Fear,
The flaw of resistance to dying. In every moment. To let life be a continuous fluctuation of polarity.
to accept all without resistance. to trust.

For many years I did not at all trust in the law of abundance. Abundance of love. I could NOT understand this concept.
I didn't know that it could be possible to love and be loved unconditionally.
I thought I needed to be creatively talented, highly intelligent, stunningly beautiful and a multitude of other human concepts to lead a happy life and then - be whole. truth is I am all of these qualities and eternally more without ever trying, knowing or existing in physical reality. I am the animating force of creation, and I still stop in front of the mirror to evaluate my look every day. Bad hair days are the worst...
I continuously fall out of love with myself, even after all this clarity... but I do not lose hope that I could live in this dimension of life where loving trust that I am loved and cared for is the driving force of motivation for all of my actions in life.

A life without fear based patterns. Free from making myself small and disempowered to act from a true sense of immortality, sovereignty and freedom.

This is a list I dug up from an old collection of my grandmothers poems and diaries. It's from october, 1993.
She writes:

the ten most important goals in my life, right now is:
1. I wish to discover MY spiritual path
2. I wish to find the light within myself
3. I wish to see and experience life here on earth
4. I wish to understand, love and accept what I see.
5. I wish to care for my body
6. I wish for success as an artist
7. I wish to give love and peace to all I encounter
8. I wish to serve.
9. I wish to live NOW in presence and harmony
10. I wish for courage and strength to reach my goals.

Thank you for leaving these intimate longings behind for me to reflect on grandmother.
I love and honor you and all that you where. I know you are with me within me, and all around.