harvesting reflections, teachings and hardships in disguise

Do you feel the embrace of fall?

I feel it. Deeply. Enveloping me. Maturing, ripening my experiences of the last few seasons. Harvesting the lessons and the sensations recorded in my body, mind and soul.
reprogramming my DNA. One string at a time.

This has been a summer of profound catalyzing transformation for me, if it where to have been a movie the title would be "intensity".

I don't think I could count the blessing if I tried.. to list them...
Impossible! Every breath has been a loving teaching.
Every periodic moment of realizing that I continuously wake up from a deep sleep state, has been ever painful, ever blissful and frustrating beyond measure.

Somehow my entire system has hit restart.
Somehow my body is being sensitized and reversed.
this sensation comes from a new experience of heaviness, clarity of fear and pain.
Whatever has been keeping locked down and non-energized is painfully visible and strong within.
My stomach has been telling me tales of a deep void emptiness, repressed childhood heaviness, self-hate, family fear and hurt... cosmic confusion.

I'm standing in front of a deep, gorging gap in my relationship to my natural way of being.
questions of why all exists. Why there is the sensation of suffering and pleasure, and what the difference is, and what is truth. To many questions to pose, really.

So in the middle of my massive need and attempt to know, and my deep longing to just be. I am.

I have to laugh. 

this life is opening up. More and more every day.

Today I sat with a bunch of old family photos, and adolescence photos of my mother. Confronted face first with her pain and sorrow, joys and gifts, serves as a great teacher, and somewhat of a warning.
To harvest other people's learnings is a tricky matter. Especially a biased one like this. It's difficult to not get emotionally involved when the fact is that I love her dearly and want her to be happy and lead a life that would have her shining with light and spirit. Like I want EVERY spirit incarnated as a human to...

Life humbles me. 

I have a slightly arrogant feeling of being the midst of healing my ancestral heritage. Reading old poems written by my grandmother poses an undeniable link to her wishes for herself, her life, her children, being passed down to me as a fragmented manifestation of her life.
I'm in one way a translated creation of her thoughts, feeling, soul.
The same goes for my mother, my father, and their parents, and their parents before them, way back when... and to the beginning of creation. Of course this is much bigger than my mind could ever even begin to convey at this point. There is no point. This is what I relearn every time I try.

This summer has been a powerful awakening to the fact that I'm not acting from a place of wholeness and authenticity in my relationships. For the most part of my life I have been trying to deserve something that cannot be deserved but is inherent in ALL living things. The deservedness to be loved. To be love.
I won't bore you with the details of my childhood. It's fundamentally unimportant.
but I believe my pain is an expression of an essential flaw in most human incarnated spirits. Fear,
The flaw of resistance to dying. In every moment. To let life be a continuous fluctuation of polarity.
to accept all without resistance. to trust.

For many years I did not at all trust in the law of abundance. Abundance of love. I could NOT understand this concept.
I didn't know that it could be possible to love and be loved unconditionally.
I thought I needed to be creatively talented, highly intelligent, stunningly beautiful and a multitude of other human concepts to lead a happy life and then - be whole. truth is I am all of these qualities and eternally more without ever trying, knowing or existing in physical reality. I am the animating force of creation, and I still stop in front of the mirror to evaluate my look every day. Bad hair days are the worst...
I continuously fall out of love with myself, even after all this clarity... but I do not lose hope that I could live in this dimension of life where loving trust that I am loved and cared for is the driving force of motivation for all of my actions in life.

A life without fear based patterns. Free from making myself small and disempowered to act from a true sense of immortality, sovereignty and freedom.

This is a list I dug up from an old collection of my grandmothers poems and diaries. It's from october, 1993.
She writes:

the ten most important goals in my life, right now is:
1. I wish to discover MY spiritual path
2. I wish to find the light within myself
3. I wish to see and experience life here on earth
4. I wish to understand, love and accept what I see.
5. I wish to care for my body
6. I wish for success as an artist
7. I wish to give love and peace to all I encounter
8. I wish to serve.
9. I wish to live NOW in presence and harmony
10. I wish for courage and strength to reach my goals.

Thank you for leaving these intimate longings behind for me to reflect on grandmother.
I love and honor you and all that you where. I know you are with me within me, and all around.

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