day 17 in a life

Today, horisontal, with a slightly weakened spirit.
pondering on the need for an internal spring-clean.
Juice fasting perhaps.
Right now: indulging in the dream of summer.

Had disturbing dreams last night:
Being soaked in lighterfuel and set on fire by an unknown man, fighting, screaming and kicking...
According to the oracle of google that means I'm holding onto anger, passion and creativity.


day 16 in a life

How do I know,
how to spend my days in the best way possible.

When do I stop searching, for something better, than, this.

How do I make space in my mind and heart for the perfectness of every moment.

What is happiness?

What am I meant to do for the best of all?

Who is this "I"?
who is experiencing this...

fuck it! I'll just watch Netflix...


day 13 in life

The spring-sunshine has arrived to the UK.
Gym, busking, spring-cleaning inside and outside.

I want to let anyone interested know about this AWESOME website:
- Take online university courses.
earn your diplomas in your area of interest, world-class tutors.
...Did I mention it's for free?
This is the future of education.
I'm currently taking a course in traditional mexican folk medicine "Curanderismo" - recommendable to anyone who find natural medicine/healing interesting.
It covers a wide range of healing techniques from ancient times.

I love the concept.
All education should be readily available and off charge to anyone.
- It's happening.
 Spread the love of knowledge!


day 12 in life

turbulent week,
It's a gift to look back at... I see the confusion of it all. I become sane and return to soulful tranquillity on morning like this.
Blessed morning.
Yellow clouds, rosy clouds. 
Everything passes.
And I am ready for today.
Ready to greet my boyfriend good-morning with coffee and a smile. 
Ready to play my music for people on the street. 
Ready to sit under a tree and pray for courage to see what I need to do, to be a loving, peaceful, compassionate, present sister in a world of frustration, depression and fear.

The other day I had what my boyfriend described as a "mini-breakdown".
These happened quite a few times these last few months.
This happened on the day before the full-moon eclipse in Libra.
with some sort of build-up, it bursted.
I cry, I shake.
I don't know where I am going, who I am trying to be.
What all of this is.
this life.

In this time, every day feeling like a major journey to the heart of my fear.
Sometimes I have the fearlessness to overcome it.
Sometimes it consumes me. 

Fear of not being good enough.
Not being loved by others,
Not achieving my goals,
not being a good partner,
not ever letting go of stored heaviness, or "karma"

It's all very mind-bending and quite laughable.

In my pursuit to be a healthy, honest, openhearted being.
I fall once in a while.

and I am not the only one.

Today I can smile about it.


day 10 in life

A day of some sort of... self-pity.

Shadow, darkness and dull grey skies.

Full moon eclipse, tomorrow.

I feel distant from my partner.
Distant from my heart.
Distant from my needs.
Distant from my dreams.
I find it difficult to shake myself out of this.
Challenging to show myself to others in this vulnerable state.

Yet, I know this is when magic happens.
Clarity, strength and health will follow with kind of strong medicine.

For now... I cry, pray and sit still whilst being comforted by the songs of the rainforest:


day 7 in life

I am in awe.

Right now I'm here.
After playing on the street, with my 6 strings.
When playing I find that children's natural curiosity and generosity is such a beautiful wonder.
When they tug at their parents sleeves and humbly ask if they may throw some money in my case.
They way they wave and greet me with laughter, dance or smiles.
No pretentiousness, avoidance,  or rushing past.
They don't want to miss out, on life.
They know and feel the immediate quality of stopping and experiencing, whatever is.
They always stop, slow down, look back when walking past.
The little ones.
Just to see, listen, discover, enjoy. 
All they want is beauty, fun and contact.

This makes it worth it.
Sitting on the grey, cold stone floor, in drizzling rain.
Singing my songs. Mostly for deaf ears. 
But once in a while you get these diamonds. Making an appearance.
Bringing you free coffee.
Offering you smiles.
Dancing to your music.

Mostly, I am in awe of the kids.

Here's some music for you:


day 5 in life

A day is so much more worth when you wake up rested, and the sun is shining....
The salvation of spring!

I'm sort of an overprivileged brat with too much free time to think.
I know I should be producing soulful albums, help elderly ladies across the road, building a spiritual community, growing biodynamic vegetables, paint cathedrals, training my mind-closet, climb mountains and write novels of otherworldly intelligence and great spiritual significance for the good of mankind.

But forgive me...
TODAY is a day for smiling at the kids, watching cat videos, porn and googling stuff.
God save my generation.




Read this interesting text about the significance of the hairs on top of your head (and the rest of your body) and the natural cause of it's existence.
I do believe shaving your hair (head, pubic, legs, arms, wherever) is counter productive to your spiritual/physical health.

Day 3 - Genital herpes + vaginal thrush (Oh yes...)

Take a listen:

I'm sharing my story of pain, for the good of (wo)mankind, read and rejoice
This, ladies and gentlemen is my resent experience with the cold sore virus, also known as the big bad herpes.

So, disclaimer: 
Herpes is not necessarily passed over sexually. 
Children can be infected by their parents kissing them for instance.
Once you have the virus, it's there for life.
chances are I might have caught it very long ago from my family-members or friends, through friendly kissing/sharing lipstick or what not.

About 50% of American adults have oral herpes, they are commonly called cold sores or fever blisters. Oral herpes is almost always due to HSV-1 infection (one of the two kinds or herpes)

About one in six people ages 14-49 in USA have the genital HSV-2 infection (the second kind of herpes)
However, most people don't realize they are infected simply because their symptoms are too mild to notice or mistaken for something else.

Genital herpes can be very uncomfortable, but it generally not dangerous infections in healthy adults.
There is several days of the year where the virus can be spread, even when there is no symptoms.
Make sure your partner knows you have the virus, he/she might have it themselves without knowing. Get tested. Use protection.

When I started to notice a slight swelling and  feeling sore around my labia, I got a bit worried since I never experience problems in that area of my body, but decided to see if it would go away.

I waited a few days to see if it might go away... and then, it got worse.
Much worse.
plus my period began.
Severe swelling and slight blistering. 

I started to search the internet, and quickly found that it most certainly was the cold sore virus.
It was also confirmed by the fact that my partner had experienced a slight feeling of discomfort a few weeks before, but as it didn't get worse, just wore off, we forgot about it, but here I was with a full-blown infection and I didn't know how to tackle it.

I must have read everything there was to know about natural home remedies to relieve the pain.
First I went to the hospital - got quickly checked by a doctor, who sent me to a sexual health clinic.
Got thoroughly checked for commonly known sexual diseases + pregnancy.
blood tests,  urine, swap-test. 
the whole lot.
They where sanitary and friendly at the clinic, and I had my partner drive me there and pick me up.
It was an OK experience.
Got to fill out a form on a clipboard and wait to be called into the consultation room, like in a movie.
They gave me the infamous herpes talk,... all you need to know.
Gave me a batch of condoms and a "we'll call you when your test results are back".

they confirmed my suspicion, it was indeed the cold-sore virus.
Nothing to be worried about, but they prescribed me some antibiotics to cool down the infection.

I did think twice about the antibiotics, but by this time the infection was so uncomfortable I was willing to do anything to get rid of it. 

I ate clean healthy foods, drank plenty of water, swallowed my antibiotics + a pill to prevent reoccurring outbreaks of the virus.
after about 3-4 days the infection was gone, but little did I know that the hell was just about to start.

See... one the more common side effects of antibiotics for women is genital thrush, when the course is finished.
I was not spared.
I was a burning vessel of itching fire from hell.
It was itching like there was no tomorrow.
for a good week.
for some reason, it would be ok during the day, and the morning, but get worse as the sun was setting, and leave me sleepless with a horrible itch all night. 

I tried everything.

Salt bathing
vaginal rosemary steaming to clean out energetically
cold showers for my vagina to cool of the itch
apple vinegar cider to raise the acidity of my vagina
drinking warm ginger/lemon tea.
applying yoghurt on the itch and swallowing probiotic supplements to create new friendly bacteria, since my old bacterial flora had been ruthlessly killed off by the antibiotics.
topically applied tea-tree oil, aloe vera and frankincense oil....
All was just temporary relief.

After taking a strong chemical drug like antibiotics and herpes preventatives, I was not keen  taking anything else chemical, nor applying pharmaceutical creams containing god-knows-what, even though I was in incredible discomfort.
Had I known what the antibiotics would do to my body, I probably wouldn't have done them in the first place. I would have waited out the infection and perhaps gone on water only for a few days, to completely clear out the inflammation.

The worst/best thing I did to prevent the itch was to shove a good sized clove of peeled organic garlic up there.
It's effective, very anti fungal and kills the infection - but it's TO DAMN painful to stand for very long. 
After antibiotics all your good bacteria in your vagina is basically killed.
The thrush and dryness is caused by your poor vagina trying to restore it's naturally friendly flora of bacteria.
after a course of antibiotics your body NEEDS probiotics.
Be sure to restore your healthy gut flora.
Your bacteria friends needs to be invited back in.
No one told me this... I had to google myself to this important piece of knowledge.

So, eventually I cured the itching by eating heaps of yoghurt, taking active (20 billion bacteria) acidophilus supplements.
and rebuilding my immune system and gut flora/vaginal flora, by daily consuming some sort of probiotic. acidophilus, saurkraut, kombucha, yoghurt + religiously taking my additional vitamins and minerals. Especially the ones that builds the immune system. (vit C & D for the win!)
Drinking plenty of water!

Now I'm good and healthy again, probably healthier. 

If you ever have an outbreak as severe as mine, remember...
This to shall pass my friend,
like all things in life.
And you are not alone.
this happens to A LOT of people, apparently. 
especially the thrush.

Spiritually this was a huge gift/challenge.
I think it was brought about by a considerable amount of emotional stress from life, relationships and what not...
I got to slow down, and feel my body, and it's pain.
I have found love and respect for my vagina after doing all this treatment. 
I learned some great things about natural functions of the bacteria in the body.
Great knowledge for later on, yo!
But I sure am happy it's over. 
Everything becomes almost insignificant when you are in pain, and once it's over, you forget all about it. Thank you good lord.

BTW: a loving friend around helps. 
Or generally anyone to remind you "it's going to be allright, and it's going to pass."
when all you want to do is revenge yourself on... something.
I think a lot of the great tyrants of human history had chronic genital thrush.
I wouldn't be surprised.

Peace, warmth and love you to. 


day 2 in life

Childrens laughter
smell of newly cut grass
spring sun
lack of sleep


Daily photo dairy - day 1

This is a great read for anyone who finds the mysteries of human consciousness interesting.
You can find it as a pdf online, and read of it off your device - or even listen to the free audiobook on Youtube - if it's still there, it makes for a nice meditative listen. 

These mornings I find myself with more energy.
Feeling more alive to do the things I need to do.
Work my @ss off at gym and busk with the guitar.
Clean the flat.
Make saurkraut, kombucha and treats for my guy.
I can hardly recognize myself. - That's a beautiful thing.

Bad sleep.
It will pass.

The sun is shining, and so are we all.

I thought I would share this beautiful text by Jeff Foster, that caught my eye on Facebook this afternoon:

Let's not commit to a future together. The future is so unknown, and we are so fluid, and tired of pretending that we know.
Our thoughts and feelings are ever-changing, uncontrollable, like a wild ocean of love.
Our desires wax and wane; our dreams are born and die in every moment.
Let's not commit to a form of love. The forms are always shifting, like the tides.
We do not need security here. We are not seeking comfort, but Truth.
Let's make a deeper commitment; one that cannot be broken or lost.
To presence. To meeting in the here-and-now.
To bringing all of ourselves. To knowing, and letting ourselves be known.
To telling the truth, today; knowing that our truth may change tomorrow.
To bowing before each other, even if our hearts are broken and tender.
No promises, no guarantees.

Loving takes courage! Yes!
For love is a field, not a form. Let us commit to the field, remember the field in every moment of our precious days on this Earth.
In ten years' time, we may still be together. We may have children. We may live together, or live apart.
We may never see each other again. This may be our last day.
If we are honest, we really do not know; not knowing is our Home.
We may be friends, or lovers, or strangers, or family, or we may remain undefined, beyond narrative, our love unable to be captured in words.
Here at the edge of the known, on the line that once divided sanity from madness, and doubt from certainty, we play, we dance, we drink tea, we touch each other, we cry, we laugh, we meet.
We sacrifice comfort and predictability. But what we gain is astonishing: This tremendous sense of being alive. No longer numb to the mysteries of love, the mysteries of our bodies.
A little raw, perhaps. A little shaky. Maybe a little disoriented, but perhaps this is the price of being totally free.

Maybe an old part of us still seeks mommy or daddy, that Magic Person who will never leave, always be there, take away the loneliness repressed in our guts. Loving that frightened part too; bowing to that part too, but no longer being controlled by it.
And they will ask:
What about your future?
What happens if you have children?
How the hell do you define yourselves?
Why are you afraid of commitment?
Why do you run from security? Comfort? Future?
They will say you are crazy, or you don't understand love, or you are lost, or you are unloving and selfish, and you will smile, and understand their fear, for their fear was once yours, and you cannot abandon your path now.
And nobody has to walk with you. Ever.

At some point, only Truth will satisfy. A living Truth, renewing itself each and every moment, the wild Truth of the open heart.
When Love and Truth are One, when the Commitment is deeply rooted in the breath, we can finally face each other without resentment, and explode into the most melancholy sunsets, held in the most profound joy.
Walking alone, together, alone.
- Jeff Foster
Thanks Mr. Foster!


Daily photo diary - day 0

"I will never be like my mother?"
Who said that? 
Who is that fool.
WAIT a minute... that's me.

A partnership

It's sweetly agonizing. 
The biggest mirror I've encountered so far.
The ultimate test in;

* Your ability to work with, and overcome your childhood fears/teachings/conditionings from both 
your parents.

* how much you are willing to give others, time, love, sweat, bliss, tears.

* how much you are able to recieve.

* Patience.

 * Your internal balance between your feminine and masculine qualities.

* The severity of your "knight in shining armour on a white horse" syndrome

* Your ideals, and the challenge they represent:
your overall integrity to live according to them. 

* How honest and vulnerable you are willing to let yourself be, without fear of losing your lover.

* your communication skills, or lack thereof. 

* How self absorbed you tend to become.

* Confidence and self esteem, in other words:
Self respect and self love

* your naturally accepting nature(or not) towards another persons fears, world/political views, dreams, desires, health issues, daddy or mommy issues, finances, pick of travel destinations, (very)early morning mantra-chanting, saturday night movie choices, spiritual orientation.

* Your relationship with your body and your soul, or rejection of. 

* Your health. Mentally, physically, spiritually and whatever else exists in the matrix of your physical life.

* Your self discipline, in many aspects;
- diet
- exercise 
- mundane earthly tasks
- taking care of yourself in general

* Your innate feeling of security and peace within yourself - not relying on your partner to "complete you" - and your ability to be alone with yourself.

* Your ability to forgive your partners interesting, if not idiotic habits, smelly socks and otherwise unpleasant tendencies:
Accepting them as they are, resisting the temptation of wanting to change them.

*Your ability to be honest with your sexual desires and longings, and expressing them.

* 1 word: jealousy.

* Your ability to set boundaries without fear.

* Your relationship to your friends and family.

* Your ability to convert your passion and creativity into something that matters to you and others,
in other words: your reason for being in this world.

* Your willingness to recognize and support your partners gifts and talents.

* Your awareness and respect of the other persons needs.

* compromise

* your tendency to hold grudges, or being overly forgiving.

* your spontaneity and adventure-readiness

* being "the now",  acting from a point of presence, peace and meditation in all tasks(...or not)

* your humbleness to say "I see that, I'm sorry", when you mean it and it matters -
AND your strength to not apologize for who you truly are.

* Your overall experience of life and your personal attitude towards it - especially rainy days.

* your sexual curiosity about your partner

*Your ability to attract fun and exciting, thrilling, romantic, dreamlike events into your life

* Your ability to forgive yourself.

* Your sense of worthiness and purpose in life

Okay so... The list is infinite, and could go on.
I am willing to be a kind and open being, lucky enough to have been the one amongst millions of sperm cells to be born, with two fantastic functioning legs, to sprint and dance with. Spreading joy for a living. Thank you, to all my partners, lovers, one-night stands, true friends, family! for holding the mirror up, right in front of me, so that I may see my actions clearly.
For giving me the inspiration and courage to change the aspects of "me" that no longer serves it's purpose.

I have been mending my broken heart in peace and quiet, for long.
It's easier, softer and less intense, to stay alone - for me.
but, intensity is good. Jumping into the unknown, is needed.
The real challenge is facing my fellow brothers and sister.
engaging in relationships, of all kinds, to feel a sense of responsibility towards them.
Daring to love (someone or myself) - with ALL my heart... Is THE most scary thing....
Daring to do all things in life - With my fullest commitment and attention, demands a revolutionizing enhancement of my ability to put my awareness 100% into what I am doing in this very moment.
It's ok.
Let's jump!

How may I serve you?