day 12 in life

turbulent week,
It's a gift to look back at... I see the confusion of it all. I become sane and return to soulful tranquillity on morning like this.
Blessed morning.
Yellow clouds, rosy clouds. 
Everything passes.
And I am ready for today.
Ready to greet my boyfriend good-morning with coffee and a smile. 
Ready to play my music for people on the street. 
Ready to sit under a tree and pray for courage to see what I need to do, to be a loving, peaceful, compassionate, present sister in a world of frustration, depression and fear.

The other day I had what my boyfriend described as a "mini-breakdown".
These happened quite a few times these last few months.
This happened on the day before the full-moon eclipse in Libra.
with some sort of build-up, it bursted.
I cry, I shake.
I don't know where I am going, who I am trying to be.
What all of this is.
this life.

In this time, every day feeling like a major journey to the heart of my fear.
Sometimes I have the fearlessness to overcome it.
Sometimes it consumes me. 

Fear of not being good enough.
Not being loved by others,
Not achieving my goals,
not being a good partner,
not ever letting go of stored heaviness, or "karma"

It's all very mind-bending and quite laughable.

In my pursuit to be a healthy, honest, openhearted being.
I fall once in a while.

and I am not the only one.

Today I can smile about it.

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